Kai Coggin: I May Never Push You Out
⌘ a star with my brown eyes
I have imagined
the rooms inside myself
the four chambers in which you can hide your toys
the clothes you grow out of
the shoes I will bronze
with affection
you are but a starlight glow
shimmering
with possibility
and I am down here
with my feet dug deeply into the earth
building a womb for you
weaved from gossamer and twilight
a place for all the greatness of you to land
a homecoming for the universe
to take shape
in my cellular division
how I would divide myself into microscopic infinitudes
in order to build you up
in order to create space
for you to form
from the invisible
into the tangible
touch
suckling mouth
tiny fingers
how I am waiting
child
my child
I would give you my father’s last name
and my mother’s open hands
and the eternal home of my patient chest
the supple orchard that I have finally garnered worthy
of your sweet becoming
I may never push you out
I may always want to be
the fortress around your glowing heart
the shelter keeping treasure safe
the mother who builds walls of her own flesh
to protect you
but I know too
that I have warrior genes
that the man I choose
to manifest you
from stardust
will be
a King
here to serve
only the purpose
of this predestined conception
immaculate in its design
aligned with a promise I made to the sun
I know my blood is an ancient mix
there is nothing ordinary about this labor
the patient waiting
until the time comes when
you appear
a mirror of my heart
a bloom of the infinity inside me
and your spark
of life
pulled
from the cosmos
into matter
into earthen-form
into a body of flesh and bone
will already be my hero
will already be my triumph and salvation
I am a mother without a child
my body is a warehouse of daydreams
prayers and blueprints and lullabies
line the lining of my womb
and somewhere
a star with my brown eyes
is falling
slowly
to
the
earth
Kai Coggin is a queer Filipino-American poet and author living on the side of a small mountain in Hot Springs National Park, AR. She received her BA in English, Poetry, and Creative Writing from Texas A & M University. Her work has been published or is forthcoming in Assaracus, Blue Heron Review, Lavender Review, Broad!, Split This Rock, Yellow Chair Review, SunStruck Magazine, and many others.
Kai is the author of two full-length collections, PERISCOPE HEART (2014) and WINGSPAN (2016), as well as a spoken word album called SILHOUETTE (2017). Her poetry has been nominated twice for The Pushcart Prize, as well as Bettering American Poetry 2015, and Best of the Net 2016. She teaches an adult creative writing class called Words & Wine, and is also a Teaching Artist with the Arkansas Arts Council and Arkansas Learning Through the Arts, specializing in bringing poetry and creative writing to youth. www.kaicoggin.com
